Well… here I am. Japan and this trip looks nothing like I thought it would.
Two weeks before I flew out the plan was to move in with my boyfriend, get a job teaching English and start a new adventure together. I’d given up my home, quit my job and sold most of my stuff.
Things came crashing down when my ex decided that he no longer wanted to be with me after 8 years together. With no home, no stuff and a job rapidly coming to a close my ‘I’ve got to figure shit out’ phase happened quickly with a flight out to Japan looming.
Not going to Japan didn’t feel like an option but building a life there felt like even less of one. My wonderful and glorious friends and family were just amazing – no one tried to sway me either way. They watched and supported my rapid shifts through shock, grief, stress, confusion and finally resolution. I would spend 3 months traveling.
The decision made, I find myself 3 weeks in 2 of which I have been alone, wondering what the hell I am doing.
I know a few things for certain about myself and one of them is, I don’t do well alone. I process stuff by sharing and talking and boring the shit out of my mates and family – going round in circles until things slot into place. I love to share everything, experiences, thoughts and general rubbish .
I’m sat in my hostel thinking why am I here – how can I make the best of this situation? more than one person has said to me not to stay here to prove a point to myself or others (they know me well).
So what am I to learn from this? How to be by myself? De stress? Gain some kind of internal strength and resilience? Just have a holiday? This is the shit that goes through my head when I spend my days alone. This is coupled with being determined to be better, thinner, more together and driven when I return home. I want to come back the glorious hero not that same old mess I left as.
I feel like I’m in stasis waiting for the next thing to happen. I feel like now I’m not living someone else’s dream it should be really clear what mine is now I’m ‘free’.
I’m trying to explore, meet people, drink and be merry and that does happen but travellers are transient and no sooner have I met someone they move on to their next destination.
Writing this has made me realise – I really haven’t processed the loss I’ve just experienced. I’m not angry with my ex – I would hate to be the reason someone was miserable. I’m accepting of the end of our relationship but to get to this point I gave up a lot and have lived in a kind of purgatory for the last year.
The stasis feeling is protecting me – if I don’t commit to something or make decisions I can’t get hurt. In some ways this trip means I can avoid real life for a while.
I worked hard and gave up a lot to be here and I want to make the most of this experience- I don’t want to waste this time. How do you let go and just enjoy life (I know no one that has mastered this). I haven’t become a different person by being in another country and I’m not sure why I thought I would.
If you’ve ever read Little Women the best way I can think of it is that maybe I’ve spent my life thinking I’m Jo… but maybe I’m Beth. (I really don’t want to die early though)
What I’m trying to understand is what’s wrong with craving home and security? I don’t mean staying in your comfort zone but why do I feel valuing that is somehow less? Why does not wanting to be in the top of my field in work make me feel like that’s a failure? I want a home, a dog and an open fire. I want my friends and family to be a massive part of my life, I want holidays to be shared fun with those who are important to me. Why do I feel like that seems too basic and that it’s not good enough – what the end game? What’s the big play? Where is your vision?! Step up Emily!
I’ve got no answers so I’m ending this indulgent moan with a promise that I will endeavour to make the most of my time here and that I don’t underestimate the privilege of being able to be here regardless of the circumstances.
So much has happened since I last posted and we are swiftly coming up to my 31st birthday! I’m going to update you with proper posts about some of the things that I’ve been up to and even I don’t have a readership and these updates are just disappearing into the ether.
Mirthful Melancholy 